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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

BREAKING NEWS: Drunk man steals, destroys watermelon

(IOWA CITY, Iowa) – An Iowa City man stole a watermelon from a local grocery store and then viciously destroyed it by smashing it onto the pavement of a residential sidewalk this week, said witnesses.

Worse, the culprit is still on the lam.

Witnesses at the scene described the man as “an idiot,” and “extremely drunk.”

Indeed, the culprit said so himself in a private interview with Schmit Happens Blog.

“Yeah, I was very drunk,” said the man, who gave the interview on condition of anonymity due the obvious illegality of his actions.

According to the melon thief, he had been drinking steadily for several hours in various downtown Iowa City bars. Afterward, he went to the grocery store. He wasn’t sure why, but upon leaving the store, in a martini-fueled rage he grasped the melon and proceeded to make off with it, only to smash it on the pavement a few minutes later for, what he said was “no reason.”

“I don’t really remember much of it,” he said.

A friend of the man, who also wished to remain anonymous as he did not want to be associated with “such a complete jackass,” said the melon thief was indeed very drunk.

This leaves the question of what the city should do. Will melons in Iowa City ever be safe? Will this drunken melon-killer ever be caught?

Associates with this Blog, for it’s part, ate a piece of pizza, finished a Heineken beer and told the man, “You are a fool. A complete fool sir,” and then went to bed.

If caught the man faces charges of Shoplifting, Public Intoxication and Unnecessary Destruction of Produce.

1 comment:

  1. As a devoted lover of melons, I am absolutely disturbed by this incident. I pray that the vile monster who committed this act be brought to swift justice!