LOCAL MAN PUTS OF FIRE, STILL FAILS TO GET LAID
(Iowa City, IA) – Local layman Tom Townsend put out a fire accidentally started by a stoned 19 year-old girl in his neighborhood Wednesday.
The fire was apparently started after the girl, no name provided, got “uber-baked” and forgot to take the pizza out the box before putting it in the oven.
Despite this seeming act of heroism, Townsend, 27, failed to close the deal and get laid.
“It was quite depressing,” said Townsend, “A fire was extinguished without professional help and what happened? Nothing.”
It was quite clear at the time of the incident that Townsend felt jilted at the sudden presence of the girl’s teenage boyfriend.
According to Townsend, the action started while he was walking his dogs and he heard the girl cry, “Somebody help me! My apartments on fire!”
Reports indicate that Townsend fearlessly bumbled into the apartment, threw a glass of water on the smoking stove and closed the oven door. As spectators and friends of the victim gathered outside to witness the commotion, Townsend said he couldn’t fail to notice the many multi-colored bongs filling the apartment.
“She was clearly quite high, and had forgotten about the pizza, and to take it out of the box,” said Townsend.
Despite stupidity, inebriation and heroism all on his side, Townsend still failed to transition the moment into a satisfactory sexual experience.
When asked how he felt about that Townsend said, “Don’t write about that! Forget I said that stuff. Just make me seem really heroic.”
To this reporter, it can be agreed, Townsend is indeed heroic.
And still unwillingly chaste.
How do you feel about Townsend’s experience? Comment below: