LOCAL MAN PUTS OF FIRE, STILL FAILS TO GET LAID
(Iowa City, IA) – Local layman Tom Townsend put out a fire accidentally started by a stoned 19 year-old girl in his neighborhood Wednesday.
The fire was apparently started after the girl, no name provided, got “uber-baked” and forgot to take the pizza out the box before putting it in the oven.
Despite this seeming act of heroism, Townsend, 27, failed to close the deal and get laid.
“It was quite depressing,” said Townsend, “A fire was extinguished without professional help and what happened? Nothing.”
It was quite clear at the time of the incident that Townsend felt jilted at the sudden presence of the girl’s teenage boyfriend.
According to Townsend, the action started while he was walking his dogs and he heard the girl cry, “Somebody help me! My apartments on fire!”
Reports indicate that Townsend fearlessly bumbled into the apartment, threw a glass of water on the smoking stove and closed the oven door. As spectators and friends of the victim gathered outside to witness the commotion, Townsend said he couldn’t fail to notice the many multi-colored bongs filling the apartment.
“She was clearly quite high, and had forgotten about the pizza, and to take it out of the box,” said Townsend.
Despite stupidity, inebriation and heroism all on his side, Townsend still failed to transition the moment into a satisfactory sexual experience.
When asked how he felt about that Townsend said, “Don’t write about that! Forget I said that stuff. Just make me seem really heroic.”
To this reporter, it can be agreed, Townsend is indeed heroic.
And still unwillingly chaste.
***
How do you feel about Townsend’s experience? Comment below:
The Official Schmit Happens Coondog. Does your site have an official coondog mascot? Nope. Sure doesn't.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Sunday, September 25, 2011
What I've Learned from Dubstep
Here's just a few things I learned this weekend from going to a Dubstep show.
1. You will be touched. A LOT. Like A LOT A LOT. Hopefully in a sensual but appropriate way... Hopefully. Hundreds of people dancing in a confined space, it happens. Learn to go with it.
2. You have no chance of staying hygienic. This goes back to the hundreds of people thing... dancing... sweating for hours on end... god knows what else... Again go with it. You can wash the film off in the morning.
3. If you go to an after party, prepare for massages from strangers. This may sound strange, but yes, electronic dance people are like that, assumingly only because of their kind and noble virute as good people of course, and they want you to feel good. I was a little taken aback, but by massage #12 I learned to thoroughly enjoy this. If only more strangers offered back rubs the world would be a better place.
4. Don't drink too much water. You're incredibly hot, very sweaty, and it's only natural to seek H20 refreshment. However SWIM tells me drinking too much water will lead to incredibly unpleasant time spent in the bathroom the next day.
5. Prepare ahead. You've been drinking mostly water all night, and the show just got over and you're still looking to party. DAMN, it's 2 a.m. and you have no beer... what a sad feeling.
6. Don't do back flips in the street. However if you do, it's really cool and people will applaud you from apartment windows. It seemed pretty great at the time. So I'll leave this up to you... most really cool things are very dumb and/or dangerous I've learned.
7. Don't act like an idiot in front of the police station. Goes without saying. Thankfully Karma can be forgiving.
8. Go with strangers. I know, it goes against everything your parents taught you, but your times will be much more exciting, plus you will make lots of new friends out of these strange folk. What's the worst that could happen?... Well, yeah, OK, that would be bad... So okay, COMPROMISE: Before you go try to get an idea if these people will rape you or not.
9. Bicycle cops are wimps / Travel in large groups. Seriously, he can't ride you all in on his handlebars.
10. Sleep is overrated. As the great late Warren Zevon said, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." If you get home at 7 a.m., don't beat yourself up. How important is daylight anyway?
Lastly:
11. Keep your club wristband on. That way when you wake up you'll know it wasn't all a dream.
1. You will be touched. A LOT. Like A LOT A LOT. Hopefully in a sensual but appropriate way... Hopefully. Hundreds of people dancing in a confined space, it happens. Learn to go with it.
2. You have no chance of staying hygienic. This goes back to the hundreds of people thing... dancing... sweating for hours on end... god knows what else... Again go with it. You can wash the film off in the morning.
3. If you go to an after party, prepare for massages from strangers. This may sound strange, but yes, electronic dance people are like that, assumingly only because of their kind and noble virute as good people of course, and they want you to feel good. I was a little taken aback, but by massage #12 I learned to thoroughly enjoy this. If only more strangers offered back rubs the world would be a better place.
4. Don't drink too much water. You're incredibly hot, very sweaty, and it's only natural to seek H20 refreshment. However SWIM tells me drinking too much water will lead to incredibly unpleasant time spent in the bathroom the next day.
5. Prepare ahead. You've been drinking mostly water all night, and the show just got over and you're still looking to party. DAMN, it's 2 a.m. and you have no beer... what a sad feeling.
6. Don't do back flips in the street. However if you do, it's really cool and people will applaud you from apartment windows. It seemed pretty great at the time. So I'll leave this up to you... most really cool things are very dumb and/or dangerous I've learned.
7. Don't act like an idiot in front of the police station. Goes without saying. Thankfully Karma can be forgiving.
8. Go with strangers. I know, it goes against everything your parents taught you, but your times will be much more exciting, plus you will make lots of new friends out of these strange folk. What's the worst that could happen?... Well, yeah, OK, that would be bad... So okay, COMPROMISE: Before you go try to get an idea if these people will rape you or not.
9. Bicycle cops are wimps / Travel in large groups. Seriously, he can't ride you all in on his handlebars.
10. Sleep is overrated. As the great late Warren Zevon said, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." If you get home at 7 a.m., don't beat yourself up. How important is daylight anyway?
Lastly:
11. Keep your club wristband on. That way when you wake up you'll know it wasn't all a dream.
Who I follow on Twitter and Why
I posted this to the sister site, and while it isn't TOP NOTCH SUPER-RIVETING CONTENT, it is content all the same, and I strive vigorously to deliver as much as I can.
1. Iowa City Press-Citizen
2. Cedar Rapids Gazette
3. Politifact
4. Messenger News (Fort Dodge)
5. Iowa City Gabes
6. Mill_Iowa City
7. BlueMoose IC
8. Underthinking
9. shitmydadsays
10. cracked
11. Bill Maher
12. morenifflers
13. lunchyprices
14. DesignatedDick
15. MojavePhoneBooth
2. Cedar Rapids Gazette
3. Politifact
4. Messenger News (Fort Dodge)
5. Iowa City Gabes
6. Mill_Iowa City
7. BlueMoose IC
8. Underthinking
9. shitmydadsays
10. cracked
11. Bill Maher
12. morenifflers
13. lunchyprices
14. DesignatedDick
15. MojavePhoneBooth
I’m following the twits listed above for numerous reasons, so I’ll just start with them.
The Iowa City Press-Citizen and Cedar Rapids Gazette are the most obvious, and I follow to help stay on top of local news and whatnot (The fire at the Yacht Club for instance makes perfect content for my blog).
I also follow the Fort Dodge Messenger as I’m from Northwest Iowa and may like to opine on news from the area… and I also used to work there, though I will say most of their tweets are not news related.
I follow politifact, well, because I love politifact and will often retweet when they call a politician on their lies, for example Michelle Bachmann and her claim that the HPV vaccine will make children retarded. Liars make good stories (going back to the Messenger there was a great scandal last year with former Gov. Chet Culver and developer Steve Daniels with the Diamond Joe casino proposed in Fort Dodge… money, lies, Half man/half giants… seems like a good blog subject to me.)
Iowa City Gabes, Mill_Iowa City, and BlueMooseIC I follow to keep up on local music and what’s going on in the downtown bar scene. More than one of my posts has been generated by “thorough” reporting in these locations.
I follow Bill Maher because he’s probably the best in liberal political commentary and comedy, with the possible exception of John Stewart, who I also follow.
The rest of the twits I’m following are more content-generators I use to spur ideas than to follow any given beat. Much of my content is (attempted) humor. Also by following these people, occasionally they’ll check out my tweets, follow me, and grow my followers (Wooh! We’re up to 9 now!) and since it’s linked to my blog, draw more traffic to the website.
Finally, I follow morenifflers, my sister, as she helps out with my sister blog site in generating content when I am too busy/forgetful/lazy.
Oh, and finally finally, YOU should follow ME on twitter for my many witty tweets and updates about the fascinating and mundane things that go on in my riveting life here in IC…
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday Night: Zombies and Debauchery
I'm sorry to say this post will not be what I was hoping it to be.
Last night I went out on the town to celebrate the Hawkeyes win, as any self-respecting, God-fearing Iowa fan should do.
As previously tweeted, it turned out to be a night straight out of an Axe Body Wash commercial, (many bars, Irish Car Bombs, after party, Jager Bombs, great times, great people, some long time friends, some new ones made... among just some of the mayhem...) but this post is about just one aspect of all the debauchery...
At about the second bar of the night (Dublin Underground I think?) , what did I spy, but flesh-eating Zombies.
Dozens of them. Flesh rotting off their bones. Hair in unusual places. Faces melted. And glow sticks on some of them, peculiarly.
Of course, out of respect for my readers I carefully photographed and catalogued the hordes of darkness that surrounded me here and later at the Deadwood.
Okay, they weren't flesh-eating zombies, and in actuality they were just taking part in the 6th annual Zombie March held here in Iowa City to raise money for a hospice charity.
But I had an awesome collection of pics and videos of these zombies partying it up, names, little interviews, whatnot...
But somehow, somehow, I broke my phone. Smarshed on the concrete. Everything gone. Now, you can say all those Jager Bombs previously mentioned may have had something to do with this.
I disagree.
I think it's quite obvious this was Karma just balancing things out... you can only have such a great night before it has to even out... It was fated, no, DESTINED, to break, and the night will be only stored in the blurry fog of my memory, free to be exaggerated greatly and become the stuff of legends.
To my readers, I apologize for the lost content. To the Zombies, I apologize for the lost fame, my blog won't be skyrocketing you to celebrity after all.
To my body, well I won't apologize because it know it was worth it, but thanks for taking one for the team, I will be sure to scrub with plenty of Axe in repayment (Come on... sponsorship?).
Oh, and to Melon Thief (still not yet apprehended) : You have all the frozen pizza you want, I sha'nt be having any.
Last night I went out on the town to celebrate the Hawkeyes win, as any self-respecting, God-fearing Iowa fan should do.
As previously tweeted, it turned out to be a night straight out of an Axe Body Wash commercial, (many bars, Irish Car Bombs, after party, Jager Bombs, great times, great people, some long time friends, some new ones made... among just some of the mayhem...) but this post is about just one aspect of all the debauchery...
At about the second bar of the night (Dublin Underground I think?) , what did I spy, but flesh-eating Zombies.
Dozens of them. Flesh rotting off their bones. Hair in unusual places. Faces melted. And glow sticks on some of them, peculiarly.
Of course, out of respect for my readers I carefully photographed and catalogued the hordes of darkness that surrounded me here and later at the Deadwood.
Okay, they weren't flesh-eating zombies, and in actuality they were just taking part in the 6th annual Zombie March held here in Iowa City to raise money for a hospice charity.
But I had an awesome collection of pics and videos of these zombies partying it up, names, little interviews, whatnot...
But somehow, somehow, I broke my phone. Smarshed on the concrete. Everything gone. Now, you can say all those Jager Bombs previously mentioned may have had something to do with this.
I disagree.
I think it's quite obvious this was Karma just balancing things out... you can only have such a great night before it has to even out... It was fated, no, DESTINED, to break, and the night will be only stored in the blurry fog of my memory, free to be exaggerated greatly and become the stuff of legends.
To my readers, I apologize for the lost content. To the Zombies, I apologize for the lost fame, my blog won't be skyrocketing you to celebrity after all.
To my body, well I won't apologize because it know it was worth it, but thanks for taking one for the team, I will be sure to scrub with plenty of Axe in repayment (Come on... sponsorship?).
Oh, and to Melon Thief (still not yet apprehended) : You have all the frozen pizza you want, I sha'nt be having any.
Friday, September 16, 2011
EXCLUSIVE: Shop Party 2011 (Finally!)
I apologize for not posting sooner, but alas, I was in a car crash, lost my hair, attacked by killer
bees, their honey attracted killer bears, I had to use a ridiculous amount of Twae K won Do to
survive (Oh yes 4th grade lessons paid off finally, Orange belt baby)... got abducted by the
drug cartel... zombies, etc. etc. I promise to not let such distractions get in the way of the blog
in the future. Anyhoo here you go!
2011 Shop Party Awesomeness (Insane Drunkenness)
So what is this party? Well about 300 drunks, 200 pounds of pork loin, live music, illegal fireworks, 20 fried turkeys, and most importantly 10 kegs of beer all in a town of about 1,500 people in Northwest Iowa that I will call The Village.
It's basically our excuse to drink ridiculously large amounts free beer, and my annual challenge to drink half a keg (never have even come close).
So what happened?
We did it to it... There's Liz, Joe (insanely drunk, started at 3 p.m., this was before he started asking girls to see their buttholes), my underage sister, Christie, Me, and Tony.... actually we're all very drunk.
Phil had his one beer for the night... Actually finished it but it had to be nasty warm...
A ridiculous amount of picking people up and taking their pictures... why I do not know... let's say it was for the unions....
MY MOM GOT DRUNK. I will keep this picture forever.
HIGHLY ILLEGAL FIREWORKS! We get away with it every year, probably because most of the village is at the party. (However we did get our first OWI this year... only took ten years.
My underage sister drinking to Jimmy Buffet music... Tsk, tsk... I knew there was a woman to blame
Drunks dancing with their children... one day they'll grow up to drink excessive amounts of alcohol and embarrass their own children, ahhh...
Twister! The world's largest game of twister actually. Well, the largest game of twister played by the intoxicated at least. Jimmy Rokes won the game and a Snap-On wall clock... though his real prize may have been his nose in at least several womens' rears....
Adam, Taylor (in his finest Bruce Springsteen attire) and my sister drinking more alcohol... That night Taylor was with the 101st airborne... and he still did not get laid. FAIL
And me, unusually happy for some reason. Guess why... Union pride of course...
And all of the SOB's who came to eat our free chow... JK, all are welcome at the Shop party, except my ex... that was awkward...
More content will be coming soon. What you didn't see here was Taylor, Joe and Adam hitting on a group of girls, then immediately telling them all they had "dirty pussies"... Advice: really not the best strategy.
Even better: VIDEO: Hobo vs. Retard Arm Wrestling!!! (I know, sorry, not PC, but that's exactly what it is). This amazing video and even more embarrassing pictures of my friends and family will be posted soon.
Until next year, rest your livers...
bees, their honey attracted killer bears, I had to use a ridiculous amount of Twae K won Do to
survive (Oh yes 4th grade lessons paid off finally, Orange belt baby)... got abducted by the
drug cartel... zombies, etc. etc. I promise to not let such distractions get in the way of the blog
in the future. Anyhoo here you go!
2011 Shop Party Awesomeness (Insane Drunkenness)
So what is this party? Well about 300 drunks, 200 pounds of pork loin, live music, illegal fireworks, 20 fried turkeys, and most importantly 10 kegs of beer all in a town of about 1,500 people in Northwest Iowa that I will call The Village.
It's basically our excuse to drink ridiculously large amounts free beer, and my annual challenge to drink half a keg (never have even come close).
So what happened?
Phil had his one beer for the night... Actually finished it but it had to be nasty warm...
A ridiculous amount of picking people up and taking their pictures... why I do not know... let's say it was for the unions....
More content will be coming soon. What you didn't see here was Taylor, Joe and Adam hitting on a group of girls, then immediately telling them all they had "dirty pussies"... Advice: really not the best strategy.
Even better: VIDEO: Hobo vs. Retard Arm Wrestling!!! (I know, sorry, not PC, but that's exactly what it is). This amazing video and even more embarrassing pictures of my friends and family will be posted soon.
Until next year, rest your livers...
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
More AWESOME ORIGINAL CONTENT coming soon
Big weekend. Much happened. There will be op-ed pieces and a large amount of completely bodacious (yes we use out-of-date 80's slang terms here on Schmit Happens) photos coming soon so keep checking in and follow us by e-mail, FB and Twitter (FYI, our Twitter feed will be up soon)... but first I must deal with this Labor Day hangover. Damn you unions!
PHOTO: Gameday Saturday
Breakfast of Champions, Breakfast of Hawkeyes
-Photo courtesy of Curtis Weston
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
HOT a list of (DIRTY) tag words to draw traffic to the site SEX
Let it never be said I am above being a complete whore. Here we go:
Sexy hot women having sexy sex with each other
Free porn
Free money
Obama the anti-christ
Why is my ...
Top ten reasons for hating Snooki
Will the world really end in 2012?
Craig's List+free
Can jesus microwave a burrito
zodiac
How to ...
Get rich quick
Denzyl Washington
Really sexy children (I know. But hey, the Internet is full of predators right? I'm fine with pedophiles stumbling upon this blog and staying for the completely awesome original content. But if you are a child predator, to follow me you have to announce yourself for what you are and/or cut off your genitals.)
Mayor Bloombito
Hurricane Irene
Chzburger
Anarchist cookbook
BOOBS
a
aa
aaa
Flaming Hot Firemen (Haha. PUN.)
Venus Williams
PWN
free typing games (I would not have suspected this one.)
When will ...
photoshop
Male lesbians
(your name)
and I am done/bored/hungry. Feel free to comment and add more terms. I'm going to go wash the smell of whore off me.
BREAKING NEWS: Drunk man steals, destroys watermelon
(IOWA CITY, Iowa) – An Iowa City man stole a watermelon from a local grocery store and then viciously destroyed it by smashing it onto the pavement of a residential sidewalk this week, said witnesses.
Worse, the culprit is still on the lam.
Witnesses at the scene described the man as “an idiot,” and “extremely drunk.”
Indeed, the culprit said so himself in a private interview with Schmit Happens Blog.
“Yeah, I was very drunk,” said the man, who gave the interview on condition of anonymity due the obvious illegality of his actions.
According to the melon thief, he had been drinking steadily for several hours in various downtown Iowa City bars. Afterward, he went to the grocery store. He wasn’t sure why, but upon leaving the store, in a martini-fueled rage he grasped the melon and proceeded to make off with it, only to smash it on the pavement a few minutes later for, what he said was “no reason.”
“I don’t really remember much of it,” he said.
A friend of the man, who also wished to remain anonymous as he did not want to be associated with “such a complete jackass,” said the melon thief was indeed very drunk.
This leaves the question of what the city should do. Will melons in Iowa City ever be safe? Will this drunken melon-killer ever be caught?
Associates with this Blog, for it’s part, ate a piece of pizza, finished a Heineken beer and told the man, “You are a fool. A complete fool sir,” and then went to bed.
If caught the man faces charges of Shoplifting, Public Intoxication and Unnecessary Destruction of Produce.
Worse, the culprit is still on the lam.
Witnesses at the scene described the man as “an idiot,” and “extremely drunk.”
Indeed, the culprit said so himself in a private interview with Schmit Happens Blog.
“Yeah, I was very drunk,” said the man, who gave the interview on condition of anonymity due the obvious illegality of his actions.
According to the melon thief, he had been drinking steadily for several hours in various downtown Iowa City bars. Afterward, he went to the grocery store. He wasn’t sure why, but upon leaving the store, in a martini-fueled rage he grasped the melon and proceeded to make off with it, only to smash it on the pavement a few minutes later for, what he said was “no reason.”
“I don’t really remember much of it,” he said.
A friend of the man, who also wished to remain anonymous as he did not want to be associated with “such a complete jackass,” said the melon thief was indeed very drunk.
This leaves the question of what the city should do. Will melons in Iowa City ever be safe? Will this drunken melon-killer ever be caught?
Associates with this Blog, for it’s part, ate a piece of pizza, finished a Heineken beer and told the man, “You are a fool. A complete fool sir,” and then went to bed.
If caught the man faces charges of Shoplifting, Public Intoxication and Unnecessary Destruction of Produce.
Ian starts a blog
Oh yes, I have. What will I post?
Who knows.
Probably required assignments.
Very likely.
But perhaps other things too.
Perhaps funny pictures of kittens doing silly things, or home videos of myself inebriated and falling on my ass.
Oh yes, maybe. Are you riveted yet?
Who knows.
Probably required assignments.
Very likely.
But perhaps other things too.
Perhaps funny pictures of kittens doing silly things, or home videos of myself inebriated and falling on my ass.
Oh yes, maybe. Are you riveted yet?
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